malo humora u tmurne dane

Za rasprave kojima je mjesto na smetlištu.
Za pretjerano oftopičarenje.
Za flejmanje.

Unread postby Den » 28 Oct 2003, 22:07

bio ro?endan i dobio deeebelu knjigu s puuno viceva pa da podjelim par s vremena na vrijema
no ?ini mi se da ?u otvoriti jo[?] jedan topic s vicevima namjenjen prevoditeljima, jer su mi nerazumljivi, da mi objasne [?]to je smje[?]no

za po?etak evo par lako razumljivih (dodajte kad naletite na koji smje[?]ni):


A man buys two dogs from the pet shop and no matter what he does he can't stop them from shagging each other. He tries throwing cold water over them, putting pepper on their backsides, and then changing their diet, but nothing works. In desperation he rings the vet in the middle of the night to tell him the problem.
"Here's a good idea," says the vet. "Why don't you take the telephone over to the dogs and give each of them a ring." "Will that really work?" replies the astonished man.
"Well it damn well worked for me," says the vet as he slams down the phone.


****************


A woman is left a pair of parrots in her aunt's will and immediately rings the vet to ask him how she can tell which was the male and which the female.
The vet tells her to creep down first thing in the morning and try and catch them mating; the one on top would be the male and she should mark him with some tape. This the woman does and on catching them in the act she puts a white tape around the male bird's neck. A couple of days later the vicar comes to tea and on seeing him the male parrot says, "Oho, caught you too, did they?"


*******************

In another part of the parish a woman has a parrot who uses such foul language she has to keep him covered up when visitors . call round. One day the vicar comes to tea and on hearing about her problem suggests he take the parrot back to his house where he has a female parrot who is forever on her knees praying. Maybe she can change his ways. The woman agrees and the parrot goes back with the vicar. As soon as he is put in the female parrot's cage, his awful behaviour begins. "C'mon girl, let's get to it, get them little parrot knickers off." Lo and behold, before the vicar or the lady can intervene, the female parrot replies, "At long bloody last, my prayers have been answered."


************


Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods when she spots the big bad wolf hiding behind a tree.
"Come out, come out, I can see you, Mr Wolf!" she shouts. "How can you see me?" he asks.
"I saw your big bushy tail sticking out."
Mr Wolf turns and disappears deeper into the woods but a few minutes later, Little Red Riding Hood shouts, "Come out, come out, Mr Wolf, I can see you behind the rocks."
Out comes the wolf and asks, "How can you see me?" "I saw your big ears sticking out," she says.
The wolf runs further into the woods but again hears her shouting. "Come out, come out Mr Wolf, I can see you behind that bush." "How did you see me this time?"
"I saw your long nose sticking out."
"Just who are you anyway?" asks the wolf angrily. "I'm Little Red Riding Hood."
"And what are you doing here in the woods?" "I'm going to visit my grandma."
" Well go and fucking visit her then!" yells the wolf, "and let me have a shit in peace!"


*********************

Snow White was asked to leave Fairyland last wek.
She was found sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, " Tell a lie, tell the truth,
tell a lie, tell the truth,...

************

The film had only been on 20 minutes when a women came rushing
out into the foyer of the cinema looking very upset.
"I've been interfered with!" she complained to the manager. He
eventually to calm her down and took her to another section
of the cinema. However, a short time later another woman ran out complaining of the same thing.
This was too much for the manager, so he took his torch and went to
investigate. Lo and behold the torch picked up a bald-headed man
crawling along on all fours.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
2I've lost my hairpiece," said the man. ! I put my hand on it twice but
it got away."


******************

Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man's wig fell off when they
were canoodling in the back row. As he felt around trying to find it,
his hand accidentally went up his girlfriend's skirt.
"Oooh..." she moaned. "Go on, go on, that's it."
"No, it can't be," he said. "I part mine on the right."


*******************

Why did the Lone Ranger kill Tonto?
He found out what 'Kemo Sabe' meant.

********

:xlol:
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Unread postby Klara » 29 Oct 2003, 14:51

Dobri su vicevi, nasmijala sam se. (Jedino zadnjeg ne shva?am.)

Sretan ro?endan sa zaka[?]njenjem. :baluni:
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Unread postby ban » 29 Oct 2003, 18:04

bio ro?endan

Zivio Den :)

no ?ini mi se da ?u otvoriti jo[?] jedan topic  s vicevima


Nek to bude ovaj topik! Nema razloga otvorati silne topike s istim topicom (temom) jer je tesko za administirati

namjenjen prevoditeljima,


Pa ti stalno po prevoditeljima :)

da mi objasne [?]to je smje[?]no


:xlol:
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Unread postby ban » 29 Oct 2003, 18:11

Klara wrote: Dobri su vicevi, nasmijala sam se. (Jedino zadnjeg ne shva?am.)

Mnogi to ne shvacaju. Ima o tom cijela prica:
<a href='http://www.tcnj.edu/~hofmann/kemosabe.htm' target='_blank'>http://www.tcnj.edu/~hofmann/kemosabe.htm</a>
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Unread postby Ire » 31 Oct 2003, 16:52

nisu konkretno vicevi o prevoditeljima, al ima veze s prevo?enjem :D

*****

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"


GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Unread postby Den » 01 Nov 2003, 06:20

evo jo[?] malo:

******
A woman was walking along the street with her little daughter when they came upon two dogs humping. When the daughter asked her mother what they were doing, embarrassed mum did some quick thinking and replied, "The dog on top has hurt itself so the one underneath is carrying it."
"Well, isn't that just typical?" said the little girl. "You try and do someone a good turn and all they do is turn round and fuck you."

**********

A little girl in a convent school asks her teacher, an old nun, who came first, Adam or Eve.
"Adam," replied the nun, "men always come first."

**********

"My dad's got two of those," said little Tommy as he watched his grandfather urinating.
"No, that's not right," replied his grandfather, "you're mistaken there."
"I'm not," replied the little boy, "he's got a little one for weeing with and a great big purple one for cleaning the au pair's teeth."

*********

Flo's husband dies and because he was such a popular fella, she decides to put an announcement in the paper. But not having a lot of money, she tells the local newspaper she wants to keep it as short as possible. "Just put `Ben Potts dead'."
"Actually Madam, you can have up to six words for the same price. Is there anything you would like to add?"
Flo thinks for a few moments, and then says, "Yes, OK, can you add `Ferret for sale'?"

(za ovo gore podvu?eno sam morao goglat, - rije?nik kaĹže "vretna, loviti s vretnom; a ja nikad ?uo za vretnu, no sad znam :D - morao bi zamjeniti taj stari Bensonov rije?nik :angry: )

********

Bob and Sheila had a small flat in the city and decided the only way they could have a Sunday afternoon `quickie' was to send 10 year- old Johnnie out on the balcony and ask him to report on the neighbourhood activities. It was sure to distract him for an hour. The boy began his commentary as the parents got down to business.
"An ambulance has just stopped at old Mrs Jenkin's place, Mr Wales is walking his dog, Mat and Jenny are on their bikes and the Davidsons are having sex."
Mum and Dad sat up in bed astonished.
"What do you mean?" said Dad. "How do you know?" he spluttered.
"Their Billy is standing out on the balcony with binoculars too," replied the son.

*******
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Unread postby Den » 01 Nov 2003, 06:34

ban wrote:

Pa ti stalno po prevoditeljima :)


ni[?]ta zlonamjerno :P
to mi je od kako sam prelistavao algoritmovo izdanje Tolkina i naletio na MERY [?]to me u prvi mah asociralo na Ĺžensko ime, pa sam 10 minuta razbijao glavu smi[?]ljaju?i tko bi to trebao biti. no onda sam se sjetio one engleske pjesmice o pti?icama [?]to pjevaju.

potom sam na par grupa naletio na nadobudne zagovornike ideje kako prijevod ne moĹže do?arati original (a nije im se moglo dokazati da to ovisi o znanju prevodioca - vjerojatno su sudili po tome kako bi oni sami ne[?]to preveli :lol: )

nego kad ve? piskaram, zna li tko [?]to to Algoritam sprema za 11.11.2003. u 11:11 na njihovom [?]tandu na sajmu, odnosno knjiĹžarama?
volio bi znati ranije a ne da zbog kakve gluposti [?]etam do knjiĹžare.
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Unread postby Den » 01 Nov 2003, 06:40

Klara wrote: Dobri su vicevi, nasmijala sam se. (Jedino zadnjeg ne shva?am.)

Sretan ro?endan sa zaka[?]njenjem. :baluni:

:hvala:)
htjeo sam odmah odgovoriti, no zaboravio :anonimac:


[?]to se Tonta ti?e, ni ja se nisam sje?ao da je tako zvao svog prijatelja (mislim da sam imao-vidjeo par stripova, no nisam siguran) no dalo se pretpostaviti ideju vica
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Unread postby Ire » 25 Nov 2003, 22:03

:D ovo je funny ha-ha! (al se zapitaš :blink: )

ETIKETE I UPOZORENJA NA POJEDINIM PROIZVODIMA

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
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Unread postby Den » 26 Nov 2003, 05:25

ire wrote: On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.


kolko sam ?uo, kod amera su takve napomene normalna stvar, jer ako nema tako [?]to napisano lako se na?e pametnjakovi? koji ?e urditi kakvu glupost a potom pomo?u lukavog advokata tuĹžiti proizvo?a?a za masnu od[?]tetu jer nije upozoren na [?]tetne posljedice

ova s grijanjem mi je najbolja :xlol:
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Unread postby MadDog » 26 Nov 2003, 08:02

Znate li koje su bile posljednje misli Airtona Senne?
"Uhhhh... ako ne svladam ovaj zavoj..."

Mother fish and daughter fish are swimming in the sea. Suddenly, a huge shadow passes above them. Daugther fish:
-Mom, what was that shadow?
-My child, that was Queen Mary
-Oh, poor king.

An American on bussiness trip in Tokio one day saw a humongous mass of people on the street in front of some building. He approaches to the one man in the corwd and asks:
-Excuse me, do you have election, maybe.
-Of coulse sil, evely molning.

Irski je seter sjedio u kutu sobe i glodao kost. Kad je ustao, imao je tri noge.
:hvala:)
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Unread postby Osla » 01 Dec 2003, 22:15

Hodaju dvije ?a?kalice po rubu šume. Odlu?ile malo na piknik... Nakon dugo dugo hodanja se umorile pa sjednu i gledaju malo u šumu, a malo po proplanku.

Nedugo nakon prolazi jež...
Jež prolaze?i ljubazno pozdravi ?a?kalice.
Njih dvije ljubazno vrate pozdrav i nasave dalje blejati po okolini.
Jež, gegaju?i se nestane iz vidokruga.

Nakon nekog vremena sjeti se jedna...

E, veli... kak smo glupe, a mogle smo se vratiti autobusom.
---------------<br>Osla was

here!
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Unread postby MadDog » 02 Dec 2003, 14:49

-Ĺ to si uzeo Ĺženi za BoĹži??
-5000 kuna, nije vi[?]e imala.

Kuca netko po vratima, frajer otvori, a ono Smrt:
-DOĹ LA SAM PO TVOJU DUĹ U!!!!
-Du[?]oooo... evo, netko te traaaĹžiiii....
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Unread postby MadDog » 07 Dec 2003, 12:04

Za[?]to plavu[?]a stavlja sat na ranu?
Jer je ?ula kako vrijeme lije?i sve.
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